Regrets…I have a few.

Yesterday I did something with the intention of helping a friend and it went just about as wrong as it could. Normally I would never reveal something I am told; this time my good intentions overrode that. You know what they say about the road to hell being paved with good intentions. So I managed to hurt someone I consider my one of my closest friends, and who I respect immensely. Weve been friends nearly twenty years. I wrote a very heartfelt apology; she called later and we talked about it. Really she talked, I listened and tried to keep myself together as I hated myself more and more. I cried on and off all night. She says we’re fine, and she knows I meant well. Even so, I fear having lost her trust and that things will never be the same. Not looking forward to today at work. Sitting in the car right now, trying to grow some cojones. Fuck. 

I agonize over everything I do wrong, especially with people. I will recall things years in the past and feel shame and sadness all over again. I don’t know if it’s part of being type A, trying to be perfect, or my depression, or shit from my past, or if I’m just broken somewhere in my brain. I hate constantly feeling inferior, like I’m never good no matter what I do or if I’m successful in something. I think that would be the thing I’d change about myself if I was able. Sometimes I think so many of my other problems would be lessened if I hated myself less.

Oh man I am not looking forward to today. Gotta get my tits up, as they say in Bad Moms. Please God let me keep my shit together today. Let me get through today without falling apart. 

Ok. Me voy.

Squirrel!

Remember Doug, the dog from Up? That is totally how I feel. I’m terribly hair-brained these days. I swear if I don’t write something down the moment I think of it, it’s gone again in the next second. As a result, I’m probably single handedly responsible for the death of many trees as I write down things, cross them off, consolidate other lists…then I go home and I don’t look at the list from work because a) I’m dog tired or b) I need to do stuff for home. If I do actually look at my work list and work on it, home stuff is left hanging. For example I REALLY need to sort my dirty clothes and start laundry. My hamper is WAY overflowing. But the last three nights I’ve been doing things for work so no-go. Hair-brained me completely forgets.

There are times I wonder if I’m ADD. Of course, that would necessitate seeing the doctor for a referral and all that BS. That requires time out of work, (which I ranted about in my last entry), because this doctor has no evening hours. It also requires that there’s nothing on the calendar to take Spawn to, and no meeting to attend after work. Then once you get the referral and see a new doctor, no matter what is wrong with you the doctor relates it to my weight. Um…not EVERYTHING is related to my weight. For example, I have spinal stenosis. It’s difficult and painful to walk very far because a disc in my back gets smooshed. I have had 3 epidural injections but they had little effect. If I want to progress to another treatment to help the pain, I’ll be told to lose weight. An average size person gets listened to and their problems are directly addressed; fluffy people get told to lose weight, as if everything is caused by fat. Another thing, I have arthritis in my knees (had arthroscopic surgery on my right knee at age twenty), my spine, and hands. Those have all been officially diagnosed. I have similar pains in my shoulders and elbows with could be arthritis, but could be tendonitis, which I e had before in those joints. I also have fairly severe psoriasis on my scalp, but have been told my arthritis can’t be psoriatic arthritis because my joints aren’t swollen enough. Lose weight, the arthritis will improve. Dude that may help my knees, but it’s not going to fix the arthritis in my hands! I’ve experienced this routine so many times, I haven’t the patience to deal with getting ADD or arthritis diagnoses right now. I can’t manage all of Spawn’s doctors and a bunch of new ones for me as well. 

Speaking of Spawn, the not doing work/not turning in work has started. Right now he’s out with Supergeek playing D & D, because Supergeek doesn’t know Spawn still hasn’t finished and turned in his psych paper. By the time I found out it wasn’t done, they were already driving to the game. Grrrrr. And the Charlie Foxtrot that is his school continues. Spawn told me that the boys bathroom he uses in the afternoon never has toilet paper or soap. He asked me to tell his school that it’s like that every day, because he doesn’t know who to tell there. Now, I don’t want to draw attention to the fact Spawn uses the boy’s bathroom, just because we don’t need someone to start a ruckus about something that is taking place with no problems. So I don’t want to go through the office or an administrator. I thought I’d go right to the source and email the maintenance supervisor about the problem. Found the supervisor’s email, sent the message, yay me. Nope. Email got bounced back, no such email address. I freaking copied and pasted it from the school website! This website won awards several years ago for being so great. I swear no one has updated it since. The staff list is so out of date it’s ridiculous. So I wasted my time and I still need to call the damn school about no TP or soap in the bathroom. Seriously????

Just remembered, I keep meaning to go through all the good in the fridge and toss the old stuff. Damnit. And I just remembered I need to change the cat litter too. Supergeek has different kitchen standards than I do, so asking him to clean the fridge…not a good idea. And he gets completely grossed out by cat poop, pee, or vomit, like dry heaving sick, so I do that job. After all they are my cats. I should put my foot down and insist he fix the phone lines downstairs though. They’ve been effed up for months. If I didn’t have a cell phone I’d be screwed. If he fixed that, maybe I won’t feel like I have to take care of ALL the household stuff. Feeling like I have to do everything is making me cranky, especially when I come home after spending 10 hours at work and he’s sleeping while “watching” TV. I really try to not be a bitch while he’s going through this and needs my moral support, but it’s hard when I come home tired and sore, and most days lately he’s snoring away when I arrive. Plus when I wake him, he’s cranky with me at first. Every. Time. 

So I’m dicking around online, and they’re playing D & D. What I need to do is finish my list here and go do shit at home. And get them to do shit at home. That’s a lot of shit. Which reminds me again I have to change the cat litter *sigh* I’ll get right on that.

New school year, same old exhaustion

One week back at work. How in the world can I already be so exhausted mentally and physically? My students so far are pretty good. No alarm bells telling me any students will be terribly challenging so far. Classes are going well. I’m sliding them into the routines I want to establish and the climate I want my room to create. I’m more or less on top of planning and copying.  I’m just internalizing massive stress and tension.

Not sure if it’s related to my dread of evaluation this year or things with Spawn or both. I’m not concerned about evaluation in terms of the quality of my teaching. I know I am a capable teacher there, and probably more on the super supportive side when it comes to my students. It’s the process. I don’t care that we’re told they’ve made it more streamlined and easier on the teachers as far as all the paperwork and administrivia involved. I think I’m just pissed as hell about the prospect of all the extra paperwork it creates for me, especially in an era where I have to pretest, midtest, and post test every single class at least once a semester. I resent the hell out of it. If they just let me teach instead of wasting time on tests. So much time lost from teaching. Then having to provide “artifacts” proving I do every single thing I do. Then add in the apparently new push on not missing class time for sick leave or personal business. Damnit after the last two years, it’s a miracle I’m not rocking myself in a corner while sucking my thumb and humming to myself. I NEVER take a “mental health” day. Any time off is legitimately for doctor appointments for Spawn or myself. God forbid I catch the flu like I did last year. There’s talk of rewarding teachers who don’t use time off and I resent the shit out of that too. I can’t control that I have a son who needs extra support and care. Fracking bullshit to reward people for being fortunate that neither they nor their family have medical or mental health needs. Right now my mind feels like I need to double or triple my meds; I’m just in a such a negative headspace.

Spawn started back to school yesterday, his senior year. He’s not in the dual credit program at the local junior college that almost all his friends are in. He missed the math score by a hair. He took that so hard last spring and I worry that seeing his friends go back and forth to the JC will worsen it. He also has the science teacher he had freshman year who was such a nightmare to deal with, so I’m worried she’s going to be nasty to him based on that or that she’ll misgender or dead name him. I emailed all six of Spawn’s teachers before school started about his Asperger’s, ADD, 504 accommodations and being trans. Only two replied, which is so freaking typical of his school. I reached out to the assistant principal over the PE department to verify the locker room situation will be the same as last year. It’s been two days with no return call. WTF. Add into my list of worries that Spawn is so angry/defensive with kids at school; I know it’s a result of all the BS he’s gotten from other kids in the past two years. He’s just had it up to here with intolerance and bigotry. I worry his mouth is going to get him in big trouble because he speaks without regard for consequences. I wish he’d agree to attend my school! The climate here, and the way the needs of kids are supported, is completely opposite of his school.

So I’m thinking about who I need to call at his school about the locker room situation, and the unanswered emails. And how much time that will require away from work things I need to do. And I resent the crap out of that too, that his school is such a Charlie Foxtrot and can’t get their act together. I haven’t even mentioned my worries about Spawn and his academics, which took a nosedive at the end of last year as his stress kicked into overdrive. I just want to get him to graduate with a decent GPA. Then we can worry about college. He’s interested in doing something with game design, but probably not the coding side of it. We’ve been so focused on his survival that investigating colleges has gone by the wayside. Kind of like having him drive and get his license has. I don’t get it. He’s not intent on finding a college, nor on getting a license. Maybe because like me he’s been too focused on his survival to put the energy into those too.

And Supergeek, my hubby, was laid off at the beginning of summer. Financially, we are okay. I make a good living and can cover the bills. I worry about his mental health though as I return to work and he’s at home still job hunting. He applies for jobs and actively looks for jobs. He’s started taking it hard that he’s not gotten one yet. He’s becoming less inclined to do things around the house, less inclined to leave the house during the day while I am gone, sleeping more. He’s more short tempered with Spawn  and has been with me also. I’m trying very hard to not let my frustration come through when I talk to him. Sometimes I want to just kick his ass and scream “Snap out of it!” a la Cher in Moonstruck. But I know better than to do that. I try to not let the little things set me off. I know it wouldn’t do either of us any good. So he tries to withdraw into self pity, I withdraw because I don’t want to be a nag…it’s not healthy. I spent the better part of an hour crying silently in the bathroom last weekend after he  and Spawn got into a fight where I was caught in the middle. Neither was fully in the right, they both had done things wrong. It hurts  so much to be caught in the middle and not able to make either of them happy. Supergeek and I need to reconnect, need to make showing each other affection and being close a priority, because I know how healing those are for me, and I think they are for him too. Just had hoped everything would work itself out this summer and I wouldn’t start back to work with all this over my head. Now that it couch therapied myself, I see why I’m feeling so beat up and tired physically and mentally.  Just have to power through the rest of today, get home, pick up Spawn, take him to his therapist, get dinner, and then finally get home for the night. Lord what I wouldn’t give for a cot hidden under my desk right now. And another few days of summer to try to shake off what I’m feeling.

Out of the box

Never enough time to write the things I think, the things I observe. Stress is a constant. I worry nonstop about my FTM son. teenage years and high school are heard enough; I see it daily as a high school teacher. Add Asperger’s, ADD, depression and transitioning to the whole mix and you’ve got a kid with a whole lot going on. I second guess myself constantly. Am I being to hard, too lenient? Is what’s going on with him at any given time related to Asperger’s ADD, depression, dysphoria? How can I get him through these years sane and safe, that’s my number one goal. Second goal is that he be a self-supporting global citizen one day. Preferably by his early twenties. His dad, my ex-husband, is a non-entity really. He only sees him a few hours on Sunday afternoons. Maybe. If he doesn’t cancel. He has no clue what all is going on with his son, and doesn’t try to find out. Spawn, my gender neutral nickname for my son that I created as we were trying to get used to make pronouns and the new name, is just an accessory in his life so he can look like an involved and caring father. Cynical? Yes, I am.

I thank God every day that Spawn’s bonus dad entered our life six years ago. He truly cares for Spawn and he makes me feel loved in a way I never thought was possible. Yes, I’m a mushy romantic cynic. Don’t tell anyone.

They say God never gives you more than you can handle, hence my conclusion that God must think I’m a badass.  Any focus on myself has been back burnered so I can be there for Spawn. We are a year out from a hospitalization for suicidal thoughts. Spawn hasn’t self harmed in that year, big yay! Hopefully I’ll start occasionally updating here and using this as my way of unburdening my soul, a cathartic release. The thoughts in my brain tend to be not as nice as the person I work to be in life. Just giving you fair warning that I’m bitchy sometimes. Okay, a lot. A WHOLE lot.

If you are in an area of the country where it’s nice today as it is here, get outside and soak up some rays. I love sunshine and the water, they make me feel SOOOOOOO good. I volunteered to help with something after work (I don’t know what I was thinking) which means I MIGHT get a tiny bit of sunshine before sunset, but it’s going to be close.

Welcome to my crazy life, thank you for stopping to marvel at the madness.

Hugs and love, darlings. MWAH!